I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
