You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize