I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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