My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
