So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize