the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
