6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
