I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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