Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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