Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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