Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
