Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We have started to decorate penises.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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