either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
