If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
