So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
