the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
