respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i think i have two assholes
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
