At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
