If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
