I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
