# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
