Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
