...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
