i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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