Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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