I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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