Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Ladies don't puke and tell
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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