I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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