he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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