Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
