Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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