the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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