I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I was not drunk enough for that final.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
