i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
