4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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