I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
