I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
