my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
