It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
