when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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