Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
