wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
