I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
