pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
