I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
