is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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