I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This baby is an asshole
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
