ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
