I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
