im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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