I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
