just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
