I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
