I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
