I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
