On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
