Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
