cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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